You have heard it. We have all heard it. You might have even said it.
“She’s just looking for attention.”
The way she is dressed. The way she is behaving. We even say it about someone who is abusing drugs or alcohol or who has attempted to take her own life. And yes she is looking for someone to recognize her desperate cry for help. She is not JUST looking for attention.
What do we really mean when we say that? Well, I speak a couple of languages and I know this dialect.
Here are some of the things we might be trying to say.
“I see that her behavior is not serving her.”
“I see that she needs love, support and healing. I recognize her needs.”
“I don’t understand why she is making those choices. I don’t recognize her needs.”
“I am unwilling or incapable of providing the help that she needs.”
“I feel helpless. I feel angry. I feel guilty.”
“I don’t have the tools to help her.”
“I am not in a position to help her.”
“I can’t admit that I can’t help her, maybe not even to myself.”
But watching hurts so we blame her.
“She’s just looking for attention.”
The truth is when we see another human being who needs help, who needs love, who needs support and we are unwilling or unable to provide what she needs, we feel pain. It is part of our humanity. Yet, blaming her is not the answer.
Saying, “She’s just looking for attention,” suggests that she does not need or is unworthy of the help she is desperately crying out to receive. It is a judgment on how she is asking for the help she needs.
If you are going to speak up or act, say or do something helpful. Or find someone who can help. If you cannot be helpful, at the very least, do not blame her. Refrain from saying things that further damage her.
P.S. Holding someone responsible for her behavior is different than blaming her.
NOTE: This post came about after a conversation with a teenager about suicide. Suicide is a person’s final desperate call for help. However, when someone takes her own life, she needs to be held responsible for her choice. It’s complicated. Get educated on suicide.